And the Award for Worst Mom Goes to…

9 Mar

Bitch of the Day:

Sometimes, just sometimes, I’m a shitty mom if you go by what some so-called Professional Mommies say.

No, really. It’s true. You can pick your jaw off the floor. I readily admit I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. I have no “plan” when it comes to raising my kids other than keeping them from being total assholes and ensuring they stay alive until I can legally kick them out of my house. As someone who, at one time, said they were never having kids, it’s no wonder I’m not equipped to be Uber-Mom. I’d like to share some of the ways I suck at Mommyhood by conventional standards (and why it’s okay):

1. When I am away from my kids, I don’t miss them.

I know, I know. It sounds horrible. All moms are supposed to ache for their children while they are away. Heaven forbid we miss out on one single thing that may happen, no matter how meaningless or trite. They may recite Shakespeare better than John Barrymore ever dreamed. Then again, and more likely, they may pick their nose and eat it. I sometimes feel guilty or inadequate as a mother because I see how other moms react to being separated from their kids. I listen to my girlfriends get sentimental and weepy when they are apart from their kids for all of two hours and frankly, I can’t relate even a bit. I listen to them wonder aloud, “What’s Tyler doing right now? Does he miss me? Does he remember me? I hope Susie remembers to give him exactly 2.5 ounces of milk at precisely 8:18 a.m. or his head will explode due to lack of calcium.” Okay, so it’s not that obsessive. The point is, they are completely wrapped up in their children, 24-7, no matter how far apart they are. How is that not exhausting? It is not in my chemical make-up to crave my children’s presence after only a few hours time away from them. There’s no way I could spend the energy obsessing about what they are doing/thinking/saying when they aren’t with me. I need that time for ME to regroup and recharge. Damn it, I deserve to have fun (silence) every once in a great while. If I don’t take time for ME, I can’t be a good mom for THEM.

The hubby and I took a trip to Chicago when my oldest was two and a half. We left him for six days with my in-laws. We only called to check on him the first couple of days. After that, we FORGOT to call. It was the furthest thing from my mind. I knew he was okay; they’d call us otherwise. I understood the fact that he was only two years-old and didn’t give a rat’s ass if we called him or not. The kid would just assume chew on an empty toilet paper roll than have to validate his mommy’s existence by telling her how much he misses her or wants her home. Trust me, he was fine without me for those six days, as I was without him.

2. My children watch t.v. And lots of it.

Someone call child services. I let my children rot their brains in front of the television every day. So much, in fact, that my daughter can sing along to most songs on ‘Dora’, ‘Yo Gabba Gabba’ and ‘The Fresh Beat Band.’ And so can I (which makes me want to throw up a little.)  The five year-old has more DVD’s than most adults. Lil’ Man will even stroll up to t.v. in his walker and stare in wonder at the screen for a good amount of time. I should feel bad about this. I should worry that this may limit them in some area of their development. But I don’t and I’ll tell you why.

The oldest has always been very bright. He spoke whole sentences that were coherent long before anyone would have expected him to. He knew all his numbers, alphabet, colors, shapes, animals, etc. two years before he started Pre-K. We did work with him on all of those things, but I will admit some it was acquired through the shows he watched on t.v. My son is not lazy or fat. In fact, he is VERY active and lean kid. He does enjoy other things such as art, music, playing outside, books, jigsaw puzzles and a million other things. If there has been some adverse effect from his boob tube viewing, I haven’t seen it yet and honestly, doubt I will.

My girl loves her some t.v. She sings along with the songs and responds when the characters ask for participation. I have no problem with her watching these shows as they have taught her things I couldn’t. See, whenever I found out I was pregnant with Lil’ Man so soon after she was born, I immediately felt guilty. My intentions had always been to work with her on all the things we did with the oldest. I knew I was not going to be able to devote as much one-on-one time with her having a new baby to care for. Apparently, I worried for nothing. Even though I have never sat down and rigidly worked with her on saying the alphabet or counting to ten, she knows how. She does miss numbers and letters here and there, but considering she’s picked this up all on her own from this “bad influence,” I’d say she’s doing well. She didn’t speak multi-word sentences as soon as the oldest did but she did jump, dance and sing sooner than he did. She’s actually developed motor skills from watching t.v. I’ll be damned.

I do monitor what they are watching at all times. My kids don’t watch cartoons that don’t have some form of educational value. (Well, the oldest does watch some that have no redeeming qualities but you can blame the hubby for those.) I also make sure they occupy themselves in other ways throughout the day so they aren’t only watching t.v. for entertainment. Like everything else in life, if you use it in moderation and with common sense, things will be fine. The television is not the “Debil” as some of my mom friends out there would have you think. You know who you are. 🙂

3. My kids eat crap food.

This is one that I would love to change but I pick my battles based on if I can win and I can’t win this one. Not yet, anyway. The two oldest kids, at one time, ate like human garbage cans. Anything we gave them, they’d shove it right down. Now, not so much.

The boy will thoroughly inspect anything put down before him. If he eyes something he doesn’t recognize, he’ll pick it out.

Him: “What’s this?”

Me: “It’s a vegetable.”

H: “What kind?”

M: *stalling* “It’s a …………… bean.”

H: “But what kind of bean?”

M: *muttering* “A lima bean.”

H: “I don’t like those.” *drops it off the side of his bowl*

M: “You didn’t even try it. It tastes like everything else in your bowl. You won’t be able to tell it from anything else.”

H: “No, Mommy. I know if I eat one of those I won’t like it and I’ll be able to tell so you don’t try to trick me to eat it.”

M: …….shit

The same conversation happens with anything new I make, any spices (like pepper) that he can see, if it has something green in it or obvious vegetables. The girl takes her cue from him and will refuse to eat something simply because he does. So now I’ve made dinner that neither of my children will eat. The really bad thing about this is the boy probably gets his cues from Daddy. Daddy doesn’t like veggies either. Daddy just started eating tomatoes this year and he’s thirty-fucking-years-old. I can’t wait that long for my kids to come around. I tried offering different veggies several times and it’s been a no-go every single time. Who doesn’t like baby carrots or sweet potatoes?? My kids, that’s who. Corn? Everyone will eat corn. Nope, neither my kids nor my husband will eat it. Not even on the cob. They suck.

Since I cannot afford to make two different meals for everyone and I definitely can’t afford making food NO ONE will eat, I make meals that don’t offer a whole lot healthwise. Lots of pasta, casserole, rice dishes, that sort of stuff. We don’t eat a lot of red meat. We mostly eat chicken. My kids are not allowed to have sodas, teas or other sugary beverages. We also don’t give them a lot of candy. In fact, we still have a whole bowl leftover from Halloween and only one of them went trick-or-treating last year. I do try to make good choices where I can for my family. If I have to feed them Homestyle Bakes to get them to actually sit down, be quiet and eat ALL of their food, then it’s a small price to pay.

To all those Professional Mommies who think I’m doing it wrong, well, they can kiss the fattest part of my ass. We’ll see in a few years whose way worked out better for their children. If nothing else, my neglected, t.v.-addicted fatty could probably kick their smothered, overly-scheduled waif’s ass.

No Bitchin’ Moment of the Day today. I’ll double down next time.

Later Bitches!


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3 Responses to “And the Award for Worst Mom Goes to…”

  1. Dawn April 2, 2011 at 7:42 pm #

    Girl! You are too damn funny!

    • bitchinmommy April 2, 2011 at 9:36 pm #

      I try. *blushes* I’m just glad I can at least bring a smile to the faces of all you wonderful ladies out there. Even if it’s at my expense. LOL!

  2. Heather March 9, 2011 at 2:37 pm #

    lmao!

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