Oh Hai! U Memba Me?

14 May

Bitch of the Day:

Lately, I have not been blogging as much as I had planned to when I started this bitchfest that you know and love. ūüôā With sickness, spring break and now summer on the horizon, I’ve just not had many moments to sit and gather my thoughts. I could always whip something up real quick to make myself feel like I’ve stuck to my plan and provided my loyal subscribers (all 10 of my sexy, sexy subscribers) with at least something to tide them over, but that seems chintzy. My heart wouldn’t be into it and you’d know it was just fluff and noise. I don’t wanna be the bitch that bitches just for the sake of bitching.

Another problem is that my ADHD has reared its ugly head agai –

SQUIRREL!!!

I have managed to keep it under control the last few months with medication but it has come back full force over the last two weeks. I don’t know if my meds have leveled off or what. I just know I’m getting on my own damn nerves. I must be driving everyone else crazy.

I actually spent most of last week working on one blog. You read that right – one blog. I spent many hours reading, researching and verifying information to write a blog on Birthers. The more information I gained on this “movement,” the more pissed I got, causing the word count to skyrocket. At last edit, I was over 2300 words and it was nowhere near complete. No one comes here to read a freakin’ research paper so I knew I needed to quit before I had a stroke. There is just too much to fit in one blog and I have felt like a lunatic attempting to do so (and it was sucking a huge amount of time that could have been used for something more productive – like sleeping.) The Birther blog will probably never see the light of day. Well, that’s not true. It may wind up being a guest post on another blogger’s site. If so, I’ll let you know. If not, I may post it here later on. In either case, it will definitely be a condensed version and not the lengthy manifesto it is currently. For now, it’s on the backburner, simmering in unadulterated loathing for this group of asshats.

Once I waved the white flag on that blog, I started a new one. Yes. Another blog I haven’t posted.

ADHD is a mofo.

The jest of the second one has to do with bin Laden’s death and how I feel about it. So as not to leave you in suspense, I’ll go ahead and tell you I’m quite fucking happy about his demise. The blog will tell you all the reasons why – that is, if I ever get around to publishing it. It really sucks not being able to get your head out of your own ass.¬†Hopefully, when I see my doctor next week, we’ll be able to figure out why I’ve suddenly regressed back to the stammering, disorganized spaz I was before starting meds.

It was awesome having the ability to focus on tasks and complete them quickly and efficiently. My house was the cleanest and most organized it has been since we moved in. I had stopped procrastinating on starting tasks because they seemed too daunting – taxing chores such as cleaning out the fridge. Seriously, my ADHD is so bad that de-funking the fridge seemed the equivalent of trying to climb Everest at times. In my head, I would say to myself: there is no way I can: clean the fridge, do ALL the laundry at once, sweep the floors, pull that toy out of Lil’ Man’s mouth, potty-train the girl, water the lawn, sneak in a nap, etc., etc., etc. A “normal” person realizes these things can’t be done all at once so they prioritize their to-do list and happily go about their day. Not me.

I get anxious because all of it has to be done NOW! Instead of prioritizing the list so I can start on the first, most important task (like throwing away that shitty diaper I changed an hour ago,) I start all the tasks at once. I’ll have water running in the sink, half a basket of clothes strewn across the couch somewhat folded, a mop in the middle of the kitchen floor and a load of laundry in the washer that I haven’t bothered to push the start button on. NOTHING gets completed. It’s 11:00 at night when I realize I haven’t started the washer and every one of my son’s school uniforms are dirty, inside it. Now you know why I’m up past 1:00 am every night. My fridge is a biology student’s wet dream because I can’t get my shit together.

I had more patience and control of my temper after the meds kicked in. Therefore,I was not yelling or freaking out as much. Don’t get me wrong, I still had my blow-ups every now and again, but I was definitely more mellow than I had been previous to starting my medication. Now I’m back to being a ragey bitch. I listen to the venom that shoots out of my mouth aimed towards my kids and/or husband and I hate myself. I can’t stop it from coming out. I have no edit button. Some of my past co-workers can tell you all about my awesome¬†editing skills, or lack thereof¬†. I was constantly creating shit storms at work, now I create them at home.

What could my family possibly do to incite such wrath, you may ask? Here’s a few examples of their heinous crimes against me¬†humanity (after which, I’ll explain what really happens and why I’m a¬†dumb ass¬†for getting angry):

1. My son leaves his “big boy” cup on the counter, full of water, so his sister can get a hold of it and spill it everywhere. He’s been told a million times to move it by the sink, out of her reach, but he knowingly and purposely leaves it there so I’ll have yet another mess to clean up. This must be the thought-process going on in my head judging from the way I react to it. It’s water, not battery acid. He’s 5 years-old, not a typical teenager doing defiant shit just to make me miserable. He’s SUPPOSED to leave crap lying around because that’s what kids do. I’m a total douche for thinking he should behave any differently.

2. My daughter is the most obstinate child I have ever met. She does exactly the opposite of what I ask out of spite, no matter the consequences. Well, duh. She’s two. Two year-olds are obstinate. They are learning their boundaries and pushing limits. All humans go through this phase. To think my daughter is the only toddler behaving this way AND that she would purposely put herself in harm’s way just to defy my requests is completely absurd. She has no cognizance of cause and effect in most situations. I’m ashamed to say, when she does wind up hurting herself doing something she was told would harm her, my first response is not always concern over her well-being. Sometimes, it’s more like ‘Dammit. See! I told you you would hurt yourself.’ Like I’ve been inconvenienced by her pain. Now, if she’s obviously really hurt or bleeding, I respond as a “normal mom” would and scoop her up to comfort her. But if minor injuries are the result of her actions, she’s more likely to get sent to her room than get a hug. I am a complete and utter shithead.

3. My husband can’t be bothered to do anything around the house. He treats me as a maid, expects me to do everything for the kids and then doesn’t appreciate me at all. Ok, we do have issues with the distribution of chores in our household. However, we have been working on it and the load has definitely gotten lighter on my side. That aside, sometimes when this batshit nonsense starts running through my head – turning me into a ticking time bomb – it’s usually for an innocent offense. Something as benign as leaving his clothes on the floor after a shower can set me off. Of course it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me or appreciate what I do for him. It means he forgot his clothes on the floor. It has nothing to do with me. He can’t help it that I’m a psycho who assumes socks on the floor equal a¬†misogynistic¬†display of control. I am fucking looney tunes.

ADHD can make you blurt out rude or hurtful things before you have time to think about the impact of those words. Thus, the missing edit button. This is why I advise friends to not tell me secrets. Usually, I can’t keep them. ¬†ADHD can make you talk incessantly, even¬†more so¬†in social settings (sound familiar?) When you talk as much as I do, shit slips out that shouldn’t as you try to pull more material to gab on about. I never intend to hurt anyone or to violate trust bestowed in me, my mouth just gets away from me sometimes. And I definitely don’t want to be mean or cruel to my family, which is why I sought help in the first place.

I saw the light at the end of the “Hot-Tempered” tunnel for a little while. Now, it’s like someone blew the candle out again.¬†So, until we can figure out why my train to Focused Town has derailed, I apologize for my inability to put together a proper bitching. I really want to blog often, helping those who read have a laugh here and there, even at my expense. I’m just not able to do it with any¬†consistency right now. With the amount of time I spend writing these days, I should have a thesis at the end, not a blog. ¬†But alas, coherent sentences seem to elude me, due to: being too easily distracted by kids making noise, getting hyperfocused on researching material, zoning ou –

SQUIRREL!!!

Bitchin’ Moment of the Day:

There’s been a few things happen lately that have totally rocked.

As of this week, I have officially lost 60 pounds since Lil’ Man was born last May. 60 pounds. That’s like losing the¬†equivalent¬†of Nicole Ritchie from your person. I’m happy to be rid of that bitch. The last time I saw my current weight on the scale was 2004. While seven years seems like a long time to get back to your “happy weight,” I’m not going to bitch at all. Some women never get back to their “happy weight” again. I feel extremely fortunate right now.

My sister and her family surprised me with a visit during Mother’s Day weekend. I hadn’t seen them since January so I was very excited to have them here. I got to take them around to see a few sights and we ate tons of food. For Mother’s Day, we got our beignets and crawfish on! Nothing makes me and my sister happier than good food. It’s surprising we don’t weigh 400 pounds each.

In other news, I now only work at the retail store one weekend a month. With us being extremely busy this summer and the hubby having to travel a lot out-of-state, it wouldn’t be fair to my boss and co-workers if I was constantly calling in or requesting off. It’s going to be so nice spending time with my family on the weekends, not missing special events or festivals and having the opportunity to sleep in every once in a while. I would have just quit all together, but as I’ve said before, I loves me some savings. I would hate to lose my discount as I’ve grown quite attached to it. Plus, I would miss my girls as I’ve grown quite attached to them, too. Well, some of them anyway. This way, I can keep in touch with the ones I like. ūüôā

To make up the lost income from cutting my hours, I will be babysitting two little boys during the week while I’m home with my kids. Some may think I’m nuts taking on two more kids when I have three monkeys already. But trust me, five is no more work than three. It will probably help me, more than hurt me, having the two extras here to entertain and distract my kids. Also, as bad as this may sound, having two extra sets of ears around will force me to think before I speak, keeping my ADHD-fueled word vomit in check.

The girl LOVES the two year-old I will be keeping. She talks about him all the time and it is the cutest thing ever. The other little boy is a little over 4 months-old I believe and too cute. They are both extremely sweet and kind of reserved. Something I’m definitely not used to. I hope they rub off a bit on my kids. I can dream, can’t I?

Thanks for sticking it out with me, bitches!

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