The Itsy Bitsy Spider My Ass

20 Jun

Bitch of the Day:

Fucking. Bugs.

For those that don’t know, I live in south Louisiana. It has to be the bug capital of the United States. I’d even say the world but I think Ethiopia has us beat with all those flies. *Side Note: Does anyone else watch those “Feed the Children” commercials and find yourself saying to the t.v., “Please kid, just swat that fly off your eye. I’ll send you 30 cents a day if you’ll just knock those damn flies off your head. Please. It’s really freaking me out.” No? It’s just me? Oh. Nevermind. Point was, we have a lot of  damn bugs here and I hate every single one of them.

Where I’m originally from, we have bugs. You know, mosquitoes, ticks, fleas, etc. If you go hiking through the woods, you can pretty much bet on your ass getting covered in ticks. Or worse, seed ticks. Those little bastards get all up in you. While these may be annoying, they are not dangerous per se. Brown recluse spiders on the other hand, are abundant there. As I type this, I have an old friend there recovering from a bite. They are nasty business, for sure. But even they don’t hold a candle to the shit crawling, flying, lurking down here.

We have mosquitoes the size of pterodactyls here. I’ve never seen them as big anywhere else. And they will chase you. I shit you not. My first trip to Louisiana was in 1996 with a couple of friends. We stopped at this state park because it was called Corny Lake. Finding that an extremely hysterical name (we were obviously easily amused back then,) we wanted to check it out. Why it was called a park, I still do not know. After driving for a while through what can only be referred to as Deliverance Country, there was nothing there but one crumbling dock that led out to the “lake.” The “lake” was a big mud puddle. A few weeds, mud as far as the eye could see and about a gallon of “lake” water. We were no longer amused. As we were turning to leave, I started to feel things bounce off me. When I realized they were mosquitoes, I hauled ass to the car. When I slammed the car door shut, several mosquitoes actually hit the window and bounced off. They were flying so fast in pursuit of me, they could not stop from slamming into the car. You could hear them smacking into the glass. I couldn’t make that up if I tried.

I can’t come inside my house at night without being pinged by a million moths, gnats, junebugs, who-the-fuck-knows-what repeatedly. You wanna see me freak out? Watch what happens when a bug flies in my face. You’d swear I was battling an invisible ninja. Someone should videotape it. That shit would go viral.  It’s not any better during the day. Wasps, hornets, yellow jackets, anything with a stinger in its ass is after us. I’ve bought more wasp spray in the last three months than I did in fifteen years where I’m from. I should buy stock in that crap. To give you an idea of how bad they are at my house, one of the tasks on the hubby’s weekly chore list is to search around the house and fence and knock down all the nests. He always finds new ones – plural. The really bad part of this (besides getting stung sucks ass) is: the hubby is allergic to stings. We’re talking full-on anaphylactic suckfest. My kids probably are, too. Maybe I should be buying stock in EpiPens….

I saved the best/worst for last. Spiders. Fuck spiders. They are everywhere. Spiders I’ve never seen before are all over my yard and more than likely, in my house. When I walk into my backyard, I can see dozens of little spiders sprint away from my feet. These aren’t dangerous to me by any means, but that fact doesn’t make them any less creepy. Wanna shit your pants?  Walk around the corner of your house and come face-to-face with a banana spider. Studies show they won’t kill you if you get bit by one but who the hell wants to find out for sure? The damn things are huge and nasty looking. Nothing good can come from them. The winner though, by far, is the black widow. That bitch is rampant around my house. If a spider freaks out the hubby, you know it’s bad. I’ve seen black widows before, but never the size they are around here. They are so big, you can see the red hourglass on their backs from quite a distance. These bitches earn an automatic death sentence on sight. If I can find something to spray, throw or shoot them with from a considerable distance, I will obliterate them. Even their egg sacks are scary, of which, I’ve found many in my shed. I’ve personally carried out many spider abortions in there. Again, fuck spiders.

Here’s the shitastic thing about spiders. You can’t just lay down poison and wait for them to die. See, spiders are nasty fuckers that don’t clean themselves. So walking through liquid or powdered poison has no effect unless they have to swim in it and accidentally ingest it. You have to directly spray them to kill them which means getting near the damn things. Doesn’t leave you with warm fuzzies, does it? I have a huge jug of poison on hand when I’m lucky enough to run into one of my uninvited guests. But it doesn’t do you a damn bit of good if you lose the spider.

My inspiration for this blog was a big, bulbous, black spider that lovingly jumped at me when I was pulling clothes out of my hamper. I was trying to multitask by doing laundry while watching five kids, aged 5 years-old and younger. Yes, I’m stupid. Of course, when I yelped because of the lunging spider, four of the five kids ran towards the laundry room. In trying to run interference so no one would get bit, I lost the spider in the hamper. After hogtying securing all of the kids at a safe distance away, I tried to find it by carefully pulling clothes out of the hamper from three feet away using my son’s “grabber” toy. When I couldn’t find it, I beat all the clothes as much as I could with the “grabber.” If someone had walked in at that moment, they would have thought I was completely nuts and removed the kids from my house. The hubby came home hours later and found the beast. It wasn’t a black widow as I had thought, but he didn’t know what it was. This incident has forced me to call in reinforcements. The bug lady will be here first thing in the morning. *Another side note: The girl is so cute. She keeps referring to her as “The Ladybug” no matter how many times I correct her. LOL!  Anyway, I honestly don’t care what chemicals she sprays around and in my house as long as all of these bastards die. I’ll take a toxic fume-induced horn growing out of the back of my head if it means I can sleep soundly at night knowing a creepy crawly isn’t going to climb in my gaping mouth as I snore the night away. Fuck. Bugs.

Bitchin’ Moment of the Day:

I’ve done my first guest blog! One of my favorite bloggers, Mrs. Hyde over at A Bitch Called Mom was gracious enough to let me fill in for her over at her site while she’s studying like a mofo for her PhD. She used one of my previous posts We Need a Clean-Up on Aisle U, which you can view on her page here. I fucking love this woman. She thinks exactly like I do, but has the balls to put it out there for all to view. Please go by and check out her blog if you get the chance and show her some love. Tell her bitchinmommy sent you.

Later Bitches!

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10 Responses to “The Itsy Bitsy Spider My Ass”

  1. Kat June 23, 2011 at 1:28 pm #

    OMG! I laughed my ass off, I too hate bugs! Most especially spiders! My first encounter with tarantulas was funny too (now it is, then it wasn’t) I literally came out of my pants in the middle of the highway when that SOB jumped on my leg after I threw a rock and killed its partner! I had no clue they could jump like they do at the time!! I have had several encounters with them since, but knowing they can jump I usually spray them down with foam carpet cleaner (either blinds them or weighs them down so they don’t jump, who cares it works) then beat the hell out of them with a baseball bat!! God I loved reading this!! I too bitch and try to make it funny, it relieves tension for me! Thanks for the laughs!

    • bitchinmommy June 25, 2011 at 1:01 am #

      You are most welcome for the laughs and thank you for stopping by! I love new readers. Please feel free to share with anyone else you think would like to laugh (at my expense.) 🙂 Take care!

      Oh, and if I ever come into contact with a tarantula, I hope to have carpet cleaner and a bat handy. LOL!

  2. Erik Rubright June 21, 2011 at 6:17 pm #

    Two words: Diatomaceous Earth. Order some (food-grade) and spread it everywhere. To arthropods it acts as a lethal dust with microscopic razor sharp edges. These sharp edges cut through it’s protective exoskeleton, drying it out and killing them. I use it up here where we live to control insects without using harmful-to-human chemicals.

    • bitchinmommy June 22, 2011 at 12:11 am #

      You are the man! I’ll be buying some of that shit posthaste. Thanks for the tip.

      Also, I saw one of my readers went and checked out your site. Maybe I’ll get you some new fans. 😉

      • Erik Rubright June 23, 2011 at 4:32 pm #

        DE is a great thing. People can even eat it!

        I always like new fans! 😉

  3. Geri June 21, 2011 at 5:27 pm #

    Hey Wussy, When I lived in Florida we had the little bananna spiders, you know those little things the size of frizbees. But we also had RATS!!!!! We lived on the St. John’s River and little did I know when I moved in that big 2 story house with all those Sailors (yes it’s true) that we also had RATS as roommates. One night dead asleep something ran across my face and it wasn’t a wee spider it was a wee RAT! The city finally came around with rat posion for all us poor people living on the river. Then I had DEAD RATS!!!!! See could be worse!!!! LOL

    • bitchinmommy June 22, 2011 at 12:05 am #

      Ok, a rat to the face is pretty bad. I’ll give you that. BUT. At least a rat, a big one anyway, isn’t going to hide in my shorts pocket just waiting for me to stick my hand in it. Technically, I could shoot a big ol’ rat (if I had a gun or any knowledge whatsoever on how to aim and shoot one but that’s neither here nor there) from a safe distance away.

      I lived in a house in grade school that had HUGE ass rats. The first time I saw one, I actually thought it was a opossum because it was so big. Yeah, rats suck too. LOL! Your comment made me laugh. 😉

      • Geri June 23, 2011 at 4:28 pm #

        Yeah Girl, Forgot about this (this really is beginning to sound like one-upmanship)….my Grandparents house was rife with RATS! I used to hear them scratching around in the walls when I was going to sleep at night. Somehow no one told me I should be afraid of them, so I wasn’t. When I ran across one, let’s say in the corn crib when I went to feed the chickens I just knocked the snot out of the 2 foot tall little SOB and he scampered off. Those were the days!!!! LOL

  4. Anonymous June 21, 2011 at 8:45 am #

    Officially my most AND least favorite post. I had goose bumps all over me as I read this, but still almost laughed til I cried.

    • bitchinmommy June 21, 2011 at 12:21 pm #

      Well thank you, Anonymous 🙂 I like to sprinkle a good amount of laughs in my rantings on disgusting things. And bugs ARE disgusting. Blecht!

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