*Badassity

16 Jul

*This is a “Special” of sorts. No Bitch of the Day this time. Fret not, a good one’s coming.

What is badassity, you ask? Until tonight, I thought it was just a word the hubby, I and a few close friends used to describe something completely awesome, tubular, ridiculous, etc. Apparently we’re not the only ones, as it is out there on Urban Dictionary. Some bitch done went and submitted it before I did. That’s okay. No one will ever say it as well as we do (sung to the tune of No Diggity by Blackstreet.) I know, you yearn to be as cool as me. Anywho.

Here’s the definition for those of you not in the know:

1. badassity
Of or having anything to do with kicking ass or generally being badass.

I’ve run across a few things in the past couple of weeks that I’ve been dying to share. Everyone needs to see, hear and know the awesome that these little diddies are. Some of these I stumbled upon on my own and some I’ve totally stolen from other bloggers (who I will most certainly credit.) So sit back, relax and get schooled on what it takes to be badassity in this bitch’s book.

1.  This is, without a doubt, one of the funniest/creepiest/absurd things I have ever seen. I am stealing this from another one of my favorite bloggers, Kim at Let Me Start By Saying… It seems she knows someone living in Paris (that’s France, not Texas) who found this gem. As if the French don’t have enough disdain for us, geez. I don’t particularly care for other countries seeing something this ridiculous and associating it with my country. Most of them think we’re stupid enough already. You know the saying, “Some people will buy anything”? It’s fucking true. Not only did someone think this was a product that people just had to have, but they were able to find investors willing to financially back them! This is American ingenuity at its finest.

Wait. I’m not supposed to be bitching. Moving on to the funny!

Watch this, you won’t be disappointed. Afterwards, go by Kim’s site and read her post on this. Hysterical doesn’t come close. Tell her how badassity she is and that I sent you. 😉 Also, check out her post on How Being a Parent is Like Being A Rock Star. All of you mommies out there will become one her groupies after reading it. It’s funny because it’s true. Here is The Happy Hot Dog Man:

Go ahead. Watch it again. You know you want to. Is that not the most we.todd.ed shit you’ve seen in a while?

First: I spend most of, if not all, my time during meals trying to get my kids to NOT play with their food. This tacky piece of plastic would only serve to create more mess and distraction in my kitchen. Mommy cannot handle more chaos. I will wind up in prison.

Second: Did you see how they accessorized all of those “food toys”? They even suggest having a contest to see who dresses their wiener the best. Yeah, like I need to buy even more food my kids won’t eat. ‘But Mommyyyy! I have to have an onion! No really! My Happy Hot Dog Gal needs a skirt. Puh-leeeeassse!’ It would take the girl all of 10 seconds to break out her Barbie clothes and accessories and we’d have the prettiest hot dog you ever did see. Then she’d ask for chicken nuggets since there’s no way in hell she’s eating her Prom Date hot dog.

I won’t even start on the ketchup and mustard things. We’ll be here for days.

2.  Lily Allen. How the hell have I not bothered checking her out before? I’ve seen the name for years and figured I’d probably like her music (being the grrrl rock lover that I am) but I was apparently too busy cleaning up other people’s crap to take the time to listen. This song is my new anthem. From now on, when some small-minded person says something completely asinine, I’m just going to post this on their Facebook page or leave it on their voicemail. Without further ado, I present Lily Allen’s “Fuck You”:

Have you ever heard those words said/sang in such a pretty manner? You almost want her to say them to you over and over. She can curse me out anytime. If you liked this one, go check out “Not Fair” by her as well. I laugh my ass off every time I listen to it.  And just so you know, my hubby loves her music too. See why I married him?

3.  Him:

He can bite me anytime.

I do like those blondes. 😉 Which is why I married a brunette. LOL!

4.  I’m totally going to be an advertising whore for a minute.  Some of you well know that I have severe eczema. Finding skin care products that don’t irritate, infuriate or just plain set my ass on fire is next to impossible. Everything aggravates my skin. Hell, I’m allergic to Baby Magic, a freaking baby lotion. Sunscreens and bug repellent may as well be battery acid. The thought of trying out one more useless lotion/cream/oil/voodoo concoction makes me cringe, not only because of the effect it may have on my skin, but also because I’ve once again wasted money I don’t have on a product that doesn’t work. Well bitches, I’ve finally found products worth laying down dough for. Here’s just a couple of my favorite finds:

It gets the burn out.

Occasionally, my eczema will just self-ignite. I’ll be fine one minute and then suddenly, I’ll be a burning, itching, clawing mess. I am ALWAYS scratching. One reason is: folks with eczema aren’t supposed to sweat. You read that right. I live in south Louisiana and I’m not supposed to sweat. Right. So when I do sweat, my skin begins to burn and I scratch until I bleed. Nice visual, huh? This stuff makes it all stop. Seriously. I can’t live without this shit. I spray it on the areas that are inflamed and within minutes my skin is calm and I’m no longer alienating strangers who think I’ve been chasing the lice around. Also, it is awesome for stove and oven burns. The last few times I’ve burned myself while baking, I’ve sprayed this on and it stopped burning immediately. Everyone should have this in their first aid kit.

Best. Exfoliator. Ever.

This stuff would make an alligator smooth. I should know, since my skin is usually compared to an alligator’s. ‘Girl, you ashy. Why don’t you use lotion?’ was something I heard daily in high school. Thank you, Captain Obvious. I would have never thought of using lotion before you mentioned how shitty my skin looks in front of the whole cafeteria…..again. I don’t know what’s in this stuff, all I know is I use it on my legs before I shave and I get the closest shave I’ve ever had and my legs shine for hours afterwards. My legs are so unusually soft after I use this, that my clothes feel odd against my skin. My only complaint would be that they need to make it in a bigger size.  These little tubes don’t last me very long so I need to start buying them in bulk.

And before you ask or assume, no, I don’t sell BeautiControl. I just love their stuff. But I do know someone who does, obviously, so if you want to try some of these goods, let me know. I’ll hook you up with one of my favorite bitches who will make you so glam, you’ll piss glitter. 🙂

5. If they were to do a blood test on me today, instead of blood, they’d find these two things running through my veins:

Chocolate. Caramel. Ice Cream. It's the trifecta!

I will seriously mourn when Ronald McDonald stops making these sinful treats. I wish they defined “Limited Time.” Do I have three months left? Three weeks? THREE DAYS?!? I want to know so I can be sure to gorge myself with as many as I can before they go the way of the Campfire Blast. *sheds a tear* Hello. My name is BitchinMommy and I am a Rolo McFlurry-aholic.

OMFG! So damn good. Finally, a Snickers that satisfies!

I don’t know how this works exactly. I’m not really a Snickers fan. I’m also not a peanut butter fan to the extent that I only eat one kind and it’s loaded with honey. But you put the two together and it’s a total mouthgasm. Yeah, I said it. This is a sexy candy bar (?) square, whatever. If I pass by these in a store I have to buy one (or three.) Snickers purists and PB fans will hate them, I’m sure. Maybe that’s why I love these since I love neither of them separately. They can stick their peanut butter in my chocolate anytime. And yes, I totally meant ALL that innuendo.

So there it is. My list of what’s Badassity right now. I’m sure next week it’ll be something completely different. Until then….

Later Bitches!

*Please note: None of the images or videos shown in this blog belong to me. I totally ganked them from Google searches and YouTube. Nor am I affiliated with The Happy Hot Dog Man, Lily Allen, Alexander Skarsgard (if only), BeautiControl, McDonald’s or Mars, Incorporated. So don’t sue me!

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10 Responses to “*Badassity”

  1. Its like you read my mind! You appear to know
    so much about this, like you wrote the book
    in it or something. I think that you can do with a few pics to drive the message home a little bit,
    but other than that, this is great blog. A great read.

    I’ll certainly be back.

  2. Paula @ thewilyweez August 26, 2011 at 1:20 pm #

    My son has really bad exzema, I might have to try those products on him, even though they ae a little girly…maybe he won’t notice! 🙂

    • bitchinmommy August 26, 2011 at 2:37 pm #

      They actually have a gender-neutral smell, not girly in anyway, scouts honor. Well, the body scrub totally smells girly, but not the detox stuff or any of the facial stuff.

      I’ve had eczema all my life and have tried it all. Please feel free to ask me anything on the subject. Everyone is different as far as what they react to but at least I can tell you how I reacted to different skin products.

      Thanks for stopping by the blog! How did you find me, if I may ask?

  3. Ian August 14, 2011 at 9:55 am #

    Hey Hey!

    I have just found your blog. You have a great city, I might even go as far and say you are Badassity!

    • bitchinmommy August 17, 2011 at 1:44 pm #

      Well, hello there! I’m so glad you found me. Am I seeing this right? Are you from across the pond? If so, you’re my first international subscriber and therefore, are pretty BADASSITY yourself!

      My blogs have been sporadic at best here lately, but I promise they will pick back up now that school is back in session. You wouldn’t think that only one kid being absent would give you loads of extra time (or mental capacity) but trust me, it does.

      How did you find my blog if you don’t mind me asking? And thanks for subscribing!

  4. Anonymous July 19, 2011 at 9:07 pm #

    Why would you even need more than one of those hot dog slicer thingys??? I mean, how many happy hot dog men could one possibly need to crank out at one time?

    • Anonymous July 19, 2011 at 9:08 pm #

      this is gena btw

    • bitchinmommy July 20, 2011 at 11:11 am #

      I know, right? SUCH a waste of money. Every dummy that has bought one those should send me $10.99 plus shipping and handling to verbally berate them for spending money on something so ridiculous and unnecessary. At least they’d learn something for their money.

  5. Geri July 16, 2011 at 9:07 pm #

    I am dying here. Oh so much stuff to shove into my overstuffed brain cavity. I want it all. Love Lily and “Fuck You”. She’s such a doll. Girl you are driving me crazy. Let me know when you make a BeautiControl order. Going to Mickey D’s tomorrow to get one of those sundaes. OMG. You are such a NUT. Love you.

    • bitchinmommy July 17, 2011 at 2:45 am #

      LOL! I’m glad you liked it. And if you’re going by there anyway, hook me up with one of those McFlurries too! (I totally had one today, not even lying.) I seriously have a problem. Someone needs to start a support group ASAP.

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