If This is Southern Hospitality, I’ll Take Yankees, Carpetbaggers, Etc. Any Day

18 Aug

Bitch of the Moment:

As I obviously don’t blog everyday – so sorry for the long spans of time between posts – so I’m changing the format a bit. We’ll now have the “Bitch of the Moment” instead. I always seem to finally post my blogs days after the irksome events have taken place anyway, so this is more appropriate. On to the bitch.

Most times I am in a store/business here, I actually have to bite my tongue to prevent from asking, “Do you want my damn money or not?!?” Customer service here is practically nonexistent.  With the economy being in the crapper and no one being able to even get a job at Mickey D’s, you’d think businesses around here would be doing every thing they could to hold onto customers. I may not have a lot of money, but what I spend in their stores would at least ensure that some of these “associates” keep their much-hated jobs.

I’ve told you all before, I have worked in retail and other service industry jobs for the better part of my working days. I know those jobs suck. I know customers suck. Managers suck. But as a retail worker you accept the suckdom and go about your day. Your attitude vastly changes the way the suckass customers are going to treat you. It’s not rocket science, folks.

How hard is it to smile at a customer? Or when you’re through taking care of them, to say, “Thank you.” 9.9 times out of 10, I, the customer, say, “Thank you,” to them and it’s hardly ever reciprocated. What the hell am I thanking them for? They are supposed to be serving me. I am ensuring there is a need for them to be there. I have been pleasant, even trying to engage them in polite small talk. I get nothing in return. I mostly get scowls or complete disinterest if I get acknowledged at all. Then there’s the whole fraternization between “associates” that I get to sit and listen to instead of them paying attention to me or what I’m purchasing. I honestly don’t need to know how pissed off Dominique made you by pulling you off the floor and making you check when she knows you have 2 pallets to unload before midnight. And HELL NO you ain’t working 2 seconds past your break time no matter how many of these customers are waiting in line. Screw her. *Actual conversation I sat through while trying to check out.  Tact is apparently lost in the dirty south.

And God help you if you need help finding something or something rings up incorrectly. They will not lift a finger to research the item or find what you are looking for. I have been in a store here where exactly 7 “associates” walked past my obviously lost ass and not one offered to help me find what I needed. I counted because I’m that type of bitch. 10 Foot Rule? Right. They wouldn’t know or care what that meant if you slapped them up side the head with a tape measure. *Maybe I’ll do that next time.  I always have to walk through the store and pull someone aside to ask for help and I’m usually told that it’s not their area so they have no idea if they have what I need.  This is where you’d expect them to call someone from that area, right? Wrong. They just walk off. Dubya Tee Eff. No customer service at all.

The cashiers are the worst. They don’t say “Hi,” “How are you?” “Screw you and the horse you rode in on.” Nothing. If I have a coupon, I get loud sighs and it literally takes forever for them to verify if my coupon is exactly what I purchased, if it’s been copied, if it’s expired, yadda yadda yadda. You all know how I am about my coupons. I am precise in which ones I use. However, I really don’t think a $0.35 coupon is worth five minutes of their, my or the 15 customers behind me’s time (who are all now ready to kill ME when it’s not ME being the douche canoe.) I’m not part of some mad coupon-counterfeiting ring. I’m not here to steal from Ralph, Leblanc, Albertson or Mr. Walton. I’m just trying to save as much money as I can here and there so I can spend MORE MONEY in YOUR fucking store later on. Imbeciles.

The one that really makes my blood boil is when something rings incorrectly and how I get treated.

Here’s the proper way to handle the situation if you are a cashier:

“Ma’am. The item rang up wrong. It’s ringing $5.99 and the sign/ad said $3.99,” says the customer. “Oh, really. I’m sorry about that. Let me check on that for you real quick.”  This is where the lovely cashier either calls someone from that department OR if they know the department well enough, they run and go check on it. Not drag their feet or piss and moan, but briskly walk to the area in question to verify the price. Once verified, they briskly walk back and inform the customer that either the sign they read was for something else OR they override the price. NOW. In MY retail store, if the customer says something is ringing up wrong and it’s a difference off two measly dollars, we just override it automatically. We WANT our customers and aren’t willing to lose them over $2.00. If they come to me to check out and something rings up at a price exceptionally higher than what the customer says it is and it’s from my department, I will run – RUN – my ass to where the item is and check it out. I’ll even bring back the sign if they read it wrong. That’s the kind of cashier I am. If the customer was right about the price difference, I apologize for the inconvenience, override the price and thank them. I then call someone in pricing to correct the sku so other cashiers and customers don’t have to do what I just did. Again, that is the kind of cashier I am. These other mofakkas around here aren’t as bitchin’ as I am and it sucks.

Here’s the improper way to handle the situation if you are a cashier (this is another of my recent experiences and completely true):

“I’m sorry. Those are ringing up wrong. They were on the clearance aisle. They were supposed to be $1.50 each. They are ringing $2.50 each,” I say. “No, they ain’t. The wash cloths are $1.50, the hand towels are $2.50,” says the bitch of a cashier. “No, the wash cloths were $1.00 each. I checked the UPC on the shelf and it matched these for the $1.50 price,” I say, still being courteous. *Loud huff* “Pam, how much these towels ‘sposed to be?” bitch cashier asks the cashier across from us that works in that department. “You just gonna hafta walk down there and check yo’self. They got me here checking so I can’t do nothin’,” says 2nd bitchy cashier. (My cashier makes no movement whatsoever to even pretend like she may go check it out even though the aisle is literally 3 aisles away.) “Well they ain’t ringing at that price,” says my bitchy cashier. (She starts ringing the other hand towels. When she gets to one of another color but the same style, it rings the $1.50 price.) “See. Those are ringing correctly. That’s the price they are all supposed to be,” I say a little exasperated. “Well. That must be for that color only,” says the c*nt cashier. “Listen, there is an entire row of these hand towels in all different colors but the same style. They are all marked $1.50. There is absolutely no sticker on ANY of the shelves that say $2.50. The wash cloths that coordinate with these in the same style but all different colors say $1.00. I’m not trying to get over on you. If you could just check I’d appreciate it. I’m buying a lot here so $1.00 extra on each of these towels is going to add up,” I say as politely as I can manage. *Glare* “Pam, do you know if they all ‘spose to be $1.50 or just these here brown ones?” worst cashier in the world says. “I can’t help nobody, they got me checkin’!” says the 2nd worst cashier in the world. (My cashier just stands and looks at me. No intention of checking herself or even picking up her little phone to call for assistance.) …… “Fuck you,” I say as I leave my cart and its entirety there for her to deal with. Do I feel bad about my reaction? No. I was polite even when I was treated with disdain, I did not raise my voice and made it clear that I was sorry to inconvenience her even though it is her job to check on things of this nature. She did nothing but disrespect me and the other customers waiting behind me by refusing to provide service to me, the customer. If you hate working with people, DON’T WORK WITH PEOPLE! Plain and simple. I actually boycotted this store for a while refusing to give them one cent of my money. Unfortunately, my options for groceries are limited unless I want to sell my car to finance them. I have started shopping there again but if I can buy something anywhere else affordably, I do.

It really doesn’t take a lot to make a customer happy, even when you have to tell them they can’t have what they want. It’s how you finesse them. “Hey. How are you today? Thank you for waiting. Did you find everything, ok? This is such a cute shirt. I’d buy it but I can’t wear white. I have three kids with dirty hands. Is that all for you today? Any coupons? Your total is ….. We thank you very much. Please take our survey if you get a chance – you get a coupon for it! You have an awesome weekend!” Ask anyone I work with. They’ll tell you that’s how I am with EVERY customer verbatim. I don’t care if they’re old, fat, ugly, poor, stinky, whatever. I treat every customer with respect and 9.9 times out of 10, they leave with a smile on their face and that’s why I get good customer service awards at work all the time. And you know what, it took almost no effort at all. Smile. Be polite. Pretend to care. Say thank you. Or get the fuck out. Mmmkay?

Bitchin’ Moments of Late:

Even though I really would love to throttle him most days, I have one of the sweetest little boys on the planet. He started his first week of Kindergarten on Monday. He also rode the bus all by himself for the first time. As we were waiting for the bus to arrive, he asked why I had my camera. I told him I planned to take a picture of him getting on the big boy bus. Once the bus arrived, I took a picture of him stepping onto the bus. Once he got on, he turned to face me. The driver was telling him where to sit and he just stood there. I told him to go take his seat but he just stood there. I asked what he was waiting for. He said, “I’m waiting on you to take the picture, Mommy.” He then stood next to the driver, smiled and waved. It was precious. He then said, “Bye Mommy, I love you.” It’s the first time I’ve ever been teary-eyed sending him off to school.

Yesterday, when he got home from school, he told me about a little girl he had met. He said that she had been bullied and had been crying. I, of course, interrupted and told him to make sure that if he or anyone else around him was being bullied that he needed to inform the closest adult so they could take care of it. He told me that someone had stepped in but that the little girl was still upset. He tells me, “So I gave her a big hug and told her it was going to be ok. Then, when I got back to class, I drew her a great big heart to make her feel better. I’m gonna give it to her next time I see her.” Isn’t that the sweetest thing? He may be a wild child most days, but I’m so glad he has a kind heart and is empathetic to those around him. I’m a very proud mommy indeed.

In other news, the girl is potty-trained! Holla! It is such a relief not to be buying diapers for two kids at the same time. She’s still in pull-ups at night but we’re slowly weaning her off those as well. Her reward for going poop is a sucker. I swear, she makes herself poop just to get a sucker. She LIVES for suckers. It’s hysterical. I can’t even clean her up before she squeals,  “I want sucker. I want a pank sucker!” No, my child doesn’t have a southern accent at all. I hope I don’t pay for this reward system with a mouth full of cavities.

She also went to her very first movie yesterday and sat all the way through it like a big girl. She saw the “Snerps” as she calls it (re:Smurfs for those of you without children.) Then she got to spend the day at the mall shopping and playing, and getting spoiled rotten by the best Aunt on the planet. We love you, Aunt G. I don’t know what we’d do without you.

So, yeah. I think that’ll do. Thank you once again for tuning into my profanity-laden ramblings.

Later Bitches!


9 Responses to “If This is Southern Hospitality, I’ll Take Yankees, Carpetbaggers, Etc. Any Day”

  1. Jennifer August 22, 2011 at 11:26 am #

    Honestly though, It’s not just the south… it was like that in Iowa too… you’re lucky if you get acknowledged at all… and if you try to be nice to them they also scowl… So I wouldn’t say it’s a southern thing… I’d say it’s a society thing. People just don’t care to treat each other with respect. As much as I kissed ass ALLL DAY yesterday I still got snide remarks and attitudes. SO Idk my friend. i think chivalry is just lost!

  2. Geri August 18, 2011 at 3:04 pm #

    Hey Girl, Shit, you just have to be born down here I guess to put up with the salespeople. I don’t even notice it. But I’ve got some advice….when dealing with people like the salesperson who refused to check the price on the towels you have to be strong, be determined, and hang in there. You just stand there with a big ass grin on your stupid old face and say “Well, darling I can wait right here while you go check that for me. Thanks sweetie”. She might give you eyes that could kill but she’ll go check the price. It’s the stance too, you’ve got to have that Rock of Gibraltar stance, you know, that “I ain’t moving a muscle Bitch till you go check that price”. I’ve really got that down at my age. Anyway, that’s my advice for you from little old me who’s been down South her whole entire life. And that shit works. Just keep smiling.

    • bitchinmommy August 18, 2011 at 7:54 pm #

      The nice bitch in me felt bad for the other customers who were behind me in line who had already suffered long enough due to that ignorant bitch of a cashier. If I had been the only one, I’d have gone your route I believe.

      I’m sure no cashier is going to screw with you. I’ve seen you in action! By the time you would be done with them, they’d have already shit their pants and called in reinforcements. LOL!

      I love you, G. The girl has been talking about you non-stop since yesterday. We truly are lucky to have you. Thank you so much. 🙂

  3. Anonymous August 18, 2011 at 2:54 pm #

    You are so funny. I am just the opposite. By the time I get done shopping, I am ready to get the he’ll out of there. I don’t like to exert the energy it takes to smile and make conversation with someone I don’t give a damn about about crap that I also don’t give a damn about. Just get me through the line as fast as humanly possible so I can get the hell out of that store. Side note: snerps is the cutest thing I have heard in a long time. I miss her. 😦

    • bitchinmommy August 18, 2011 at 7:50 pm #

      Okay. I have read this 4 damn times trying to figure out who you are since you obviously know me and the little miss. Why are you playing shy, anonymous? At any rate, you should hear her say snerps. I laugh my ass off every time. She’s so cute at times it should be illegal.

      As far as getting you out quickly, trust me, that’s what I want, too. I’m working my ass off getting their crap rang and in the bag WHILE running my mouth. I’m just saying I make sure they know I’ve acknowledged them in SOME way, and that I appreciate their business. We women are so ridiculous about our self-image, that if someone mentions in passing that our shirt is cute, or our jewelry is really pretty or someone really loves our hair, it can make our whole day. And that’s what I want to do – make your day. 🙂

  4. Ian August 18, 2011 at 1:52 pm #

    One of my peeves about retail sales people is similar to yours, just so damn lazy to go check for things. Like when you see something you really want but they don’t have it in your size. You approach one of the workers and before you even finish getting ‘Excuse me, do you have this in a bigger size’ they immediately turn around and say ‘Nope, sorry. those are the last ones.

    This actually happened to me, the girl didn’t even turn around and look at what I was holding. Silly bitch.

    • bitchinmommy August 18, 2011 at 7:39 pm #

      I actually guffawed at silly bitch.

      Yeah, that’s a stock answer for most salesbitches, I’m sure. We’ll actually look up the item for you online to see if we can order it in your size or different color and have it shipped directly to your house. Again, that’s because we’re bitchin’. 🙂

  5. Heather Haigwood August 18, 2011 at 11:56 am #

    This is the best ever! Douche canoe.. oh yea, im stealing it! Aidan is soo sweet! I almost got teary eyed. I am a proud aunt. 🙂

    • bitchinmommy August 18, 2011 at 7:36 pm #

      I must admit to anyone reading the comments, alas, this is not a bitchinmommy original. I stole it wholeheartedly from another bitchin’ mom, the fabulous Miss G. I mean really, how great is that fucking phrase? You know you’re gonna steal it too. LOL!

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