Did I Just Step In….

26 Jan

Bitch of the Moment:

This might be a first world problem, and I know there are so many things that could happen that would be way worse….but. Would it be possible if I could go through one damn day without stepping in something disgusting?

Kids are messy. They have no respect for the time and energy it takes to clean a house. Especially one covered in tile flooring. I get that. I’m okay with that. Normal kid messiness isn’t what is bothering me at the moment. The pile of shit I almost stepped in this afternoon is what’s bothering me.

Yup. Shit. S-H-I-T.

It’s not enough my wonderful Lil’ Man throws every bit of food he’s been served in the floor when he’s officially done eating. Here Mom! I’m done! You can have these scraps, you lowly peasant! No amount of scolding, training, begging or pleading will keep him from doing this every single meal.

This. Goes. Here.

I would just feed him myself, but little Hitler won’t eat if you try to feed him. He’s Mr. Independent all the sudden. He will turn his head while throwing his hands in the air, close his eyes tight and scoff at you. You have the audacity to try feeding me, woman? I’m a MAN! And since my eyes are closed, you cannot see me so bugger off. I know that’s what he means with that scoff.

Next time you try to serve me that slop, you're gonna get a knuckle sammich!

Back to the shit. Mini Man has decided he will take off his diaper whenever he so damn chooses. I’ll look up and see jiggling, dimpled ass run past as he giggles hysterically. Now, I love baby ass as much as the next mom. I just want to pinch it until I can’t pinch it anymore. And as unbelievably cute as his ass is, I KNEW that one time soon, the diaper he has tossed to the side would be full of presents.

This afternoon at 4:00 was that time. My oldest alerts me by going, “Ooooooooh!” I look up and see Lil’ Man in his diaperless glory, very proud to be displaying his pickle for all to see. At first, it appeared I had gotten lucky once again. That was until my toes came within centimeters of landing on top of a nice-sized nugget of joy. It was all I could do not to have a complete and utter meltdown. I had to hold him where he stood while the oldest scampered off to get wipes. After wiping him down from head to toe (how the hell do I know what he did and didn’t touch in the short amount of time that diaper was off? He’s quick!) I readied myself to clean up the disgusting gift I had been left. My oldest looks at me and says, “They look like rabbit turds. It could be worse,” and walks off. I laughed so hard I almost forgot I was cleaning up a pile of shit. Almost. Indeed, son. It could be worse.

I want to know the most disgusting, funniest, weirdest thing you’ve ever stepped in. You don’t even have to have kids to play along. If you own pets, you are well aware they leave as many gifts as kids do. Hell, if you have a husband, you’ve probably stepped in something completely gross. Leave it in the comments for me. I need laughs and lots of them to get through this trauma.

Bitchin’ Moment:

Hey, hey, hey. I blogged more than once in a two month period! It’s a miracle. I think I’m getting my bloggy groove back. And it’s all thanks to you, my sexy subscribers and readers.

Yesterday, I had a record day here on the ol’ blog. Period Parties are hawt shit, apparently. Also, I got a little help. Not only did I have a few very popular Facebook friends share the link with their masses, but an awesome blogger who gets hella-traffic decided to help out her fellow bloggers.

First, if you’ve never been to peopleIwanttopunchinthethroat.com, punch yourself in the throat. Second, go! She is hysterical. Her blog exploded after this little ditty went viral. As a way to give back and help expose other’s blogs to new readers, she asked everyone to link their blog on her page. So I did, thinking I’d get a few reads, maybe even a couple of new subscribers. Holy shit. I haven’t gone viral by any means, but my subscriptions have doubled and my blog is still getting hits as I type this. Thanks again, Jen! I’m as happy as a pig in shit….wait. Maybe I should find a different simile. I don’t want to associate myself with shit anymore than I have to after the day I’ve had.

Later Bitches!

P.S. Mr. Nudey Pants took his diaper off four times as I typed this. I shit you not.

Lil' Man's tush looks more like #5 🙂

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One Response to “Did I Just Step In….”

  1. Amy February 11, 2012 at 9:50 pm #

    Cat puke or hairballs. At least twice a week 😛

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