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Reader Participation: Guilty Pleasures

27 Dec
We All Have Them.

We All Have Them.

I presented the idea to all of you about writing a blog based off your responses to a random topic that I would pick. I received enough positive feedback to try and give it a go. So here is the first installment of this little experiment of mine. The topic: Guilty Pleasures.

I asked my readers and followers on Facebook to submit their guilty pleasures privately to me so that they may be included in this blog. I ensured complete and total anonymity to those with balls big enough to share their secret shames with me. However, I was very surprised at the number of responses I received through comments instead of private messages, displaying their “secret shames” out in the open for all to see. So it would seem they aren’t that guilty about their pleasures and have way bigger balls than I anticipated. To be completely truthful, ALL but one of the respondents said they really didn’t care if everyone knew their identity and what they were “confessing” to me. I either have the most honest and confident readers EVER or the most shameless readers ever. I’m going with the latter. 🙂 My sincerest thanks to those that participated – I love you shameless bitches! Onward.

Musical Guilty Pleasures

Several entries fell into this category. These might not be that funny at first glance but I’ll elaborate after.

  1. I freely and openly admit that bands like A-Ha and Yes are frequently on rotation in my playlist.
  2. Reader: Does singing loudly (and poorly) in a car by yourself count as a guilty pleasure? Me: Not unless you are singing Britney Spears. Reader: It’s usually Disney shit.
  3. Regina Spektor. I love female singers and she has my number.

Now why should you find those funny? Because they were all submitted by DUDES. Big, burly, dirty, manly men.

Read #1 again. Now picture a grunge kid that I used to hang out with listening to Korn. Now picture him singing, ♫“Take on meeeeeeeeeeeee, take me onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. I’ll be goooonnnnneeee, in a day or twoooooooooo!”♫ To this day, I have no idea how that guy hit those notes without his nuts shriveling up completely.

Read #2 again. Now picture a very tall, burly, ginger-headed man who introduced me to a little game called Cards Against Humanity. Now picture him bellowing ♫“Let It Go”♫ in a car with no children in tow. It’s kinda frightening now that I think about it. Ha!

Read #3 again. Now picture a guy with Pantera tattoos and a camel cigarette hanging from his lip who once pissed all over a car parked next to us as we were leaving a bar. Now picture him singing, ever so sweetly, ♫“And it breaks my heart. And it breaks my heart. And it breaks my hear-ar-ar-ar-ar-art.”♫

Food Guilty Pleasures

I actually expected more submissions regarding food but only received one. But it was a good one.

I like to eat saltines mixed in a glass of milk. I eat fries in my ice cream. I eat sweets pretty much all day long. If I buy a bag of candy, I can eat it in a day or two. Oh, and I eat sriracha sauce on almost everything. I even had a sriracha whoopie pie once.

I’m not gonna lie. The crackers in milk thing makes me puke in my mouth a little. And while I get the fries in ice cream thing, I prefer my ice cream all by its lonesome…in mah belly. I can attest to the fact that this person can eat. I’ve seen them in action. This is not a large person by the way – unless you count her boobs – which may be full of sriracha from the sounds of it. Brings new meaning to the phrase, “She’s so HOT!”

Old Lady Guilty Pleasures

My guilty pleasures are boring as hell and basically show that I’m an 80 year-old woman at heart. I love to watch Golden Girls while I crochet and cross-stitch.

The funny thing about this one is that the person who submitted it is one of the most fabulous and hip people I know. She knows all the trends and latest fashions. She knows all the happenings going on. She’s a football-lovin’, beer-drinkin’, badass bitch. Who can’t get enough of Blanche, Dorothy, Rose and Sophia apparently. And for the record, if you don’t love Sophia then we can’t be friends. If you do love do love Sophia, ♫“Thank you for being a friend!”♫ Yeah. I went there.

Child-Like Guilty Pleasures

I must admit, I guffawed when I received this next one. This is truly a guilty pleasure, hidden away from family and friends. And it’s fucking hilarious.

Ok, so Dora the fucking Explorer was banned in my house because I got tired of her asking us ‘where are we going?’ – it’s her show, she shouldn’t have to ask. Well back in August, they launched a new grownup Dora. She’s a teenager and lives in the city. No Boots the monkey and she doesn’t ask where we are going. Instead of lifting the ban on the bitch, I secretly DVR the show and watch it by myself while taking a bubble bath. Apparently, I like the teenage Dora and by hiding and watching her by myself, the kids won’t replay it over and over and over.

You come home after a hard day’s work, light some candles, pour yourself a glass of wine, disrobe and climb into a nice hot bath. As you breathe in the aromatic vapors from your favorite bubble bath, you just need one more thing to help ease that last bit of tension from your shoulders:

Instant Stress Relief

Instant Stress Relief

Apparently, kids’ shows are a popular guilty pleasure. Another reader responded with Spongebob Squarepants. Honestly, I think Spongebob is secretly for adults. Have you ever watched that show? Some of the double entendres and innuendo I’ve heard while watching it have made me blush – and that’s saying something. I don’t want to explain why crusty crabs are living in bikini bottoms to my four year-old thankyouverymuch.

Naked Guilty Pleasures

Yep. I’ve got naked readers – plural. Doing naked….things.

Reader: I still rock out to the Spice Girls when I’m alone. I love dancing naked. And I sing to my dogs. Me: But do you sing to your dogs while dancing naked to the Spice Girls? Reader: Sometimes.

This reader gets bonus points because she was the very first to respond. She gets even more bonus points because I now have a mental image in my head I’ll likely have until the day I die. I’ve seen her dance fully clothed and it can be pretty provocative. Those doggies are getting a show most men would pay for.

But hands down, the award for the naughtiest guilty pleasure by far goes to:

I masturbate ALL the time. In the library, waiting in rush hour traffic, in my bed. You’re welcome.

I love the “You’re welcome” added on the end. Now I ask you, is that from a guy or a girl? If we were placing bets, which gender would you put your wager on? I would have bet on a male. I’m a horrible gambler though. That was from a girl. A totally HAWT girl. Guys, next time you’re sitting in traffic, take a look around. You may get a little show while you’re waiting.

BitchinMommy’s Guilty Pleasures

I promised to confess two of my guilty pleasures if enough people responded to this and they did. So, as promised, here they are:

  • I work downtown. In the evening, it can take a long time to get home due to rush hour traffic (which I’m going to pay more attention to from now on!) I usually have just enough time to get across town to pick up the kids from daycare. However, every now and again, something magical happens. The sea of cars dissipates and I get a clear shot home, sometimes with 30 to 45 minutes to spare before the daycare closes. I could go ahead and pick up the kids, go home and start dinner, laundry, baths, etc. But I don’t. I covet that small gift of “alone time”. I usually drive to the Walgreen’s just down the road from the daycare and sit in my car in the parking lot. I feel guilty that I’m not overjoyed with the prospect of spending that extra time with my kids. Some mothers would look down on me for this. Well, fuck those moms. I need a moment, every now and again, just to sit in silence. A moment not filled with never-ending to-do lists. A moment where I’m not assaulted with a million questions as soon as I pull up: What’s for dinner? Can I get on the computer? Who has to take a bath first? All followed by whining, bickering and crying. If that makes me a horrible mom for enjoying this guilty pleasure, then a horrible mom I be.

That leads us to the second guilty pleasure. You may ask what it is I do while sitting in the Walgreen’s parking lot. And no, it’s not masturbate. Sometimes I just listen to the radio. Sometimes I scroll through Facebook. But mostly, I do this:

  • I play My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Yep. I play a game made for little girls and Bronies and I play it religiously. I play the game so freakin’ much that I’m at level 88. My Little Pony has made me their bitch. My heart is overjoyed when new objectives are unveiled, when I level up yet another pony or when I earn another trophy. I completely zone out and my inner six year-old takes over while playing the game. It’s a nice little break from reality. As an added bonus, I can hold my own in conversations with the girl when she wants to talk about Pinkie Pie (our favorite pony), Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash (Daddy and the boys favorite pony) or any other MLP characters. I’m the coolest mom ever, for at least five minutes until she gets distracted by something else. If this isn’t proof that I need more adult interaction in my life then I don’t know what is.
Mommy Crack.

Mommy Crack.

That’s all, folks. I hope you’ve enjoyed this. I certainly did. I would love to do another reader participation blog. I have a few ideas for topics but I’m VERY open to your suggestions if there is something you think would make for a great blog. Just leave any ideas you have in the comments or you can message me on the BitchinMommy Facebook page.

Thank you to those that made this blog possible by trusting me enough to share this information about themselves.

Later Bitches!



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